WARNING: Contains graphic details which some may find disturbing and upsetting.
Hey Ladies,
My name is
Aundrea, I’m going to talk to you about a bit of a taboo subject today...
Domestic violence. Not a pretty subject but it’s one that is very close to my
heart and I think that the more we know, the more we are equipped to deal with
it, should it ever affect you.
I'm going to
tell you my story. Before I start just let me say that I was one of those girls
that used to say ‘I would never stay with someone who hit me, it would be the
first time and the last time’. It’s not as black and white when you are in that
situation, at least it wasn't for me... OK, here goes.
I was 20
when i met him, we’ll just call him ‘E’ for this. We met in a pub where my
friends and i used to hang out 2 or 3 nights a week. He was sitting in the
corner alone. I thought he was a really great looking guy and I never really
liked seeing anyone on their own in our pub, we were all like one big family in
there. I turned to my friend Steve to
ask him if we should invite him over, and he told me he knew him from a few house
parties. He called him over and introduced himself to us. We talked for most of
the night and a few friends ended up coming back to mine including him. 3 days
later he was still there, we were getting on so well and seemed to have a lot
in common.
About 3 weeks
later the cracks started to appear, I was always a fun loving, out going,
friendly type of girl. That was all about to change. He didn't want me talking
to any guys, I wasn't even allowed to look at them. I told him I had had enough,
that I wasn't going to let anyone control me. He broke down and told me he had
lost his job and couldn't afford his apartment anymore, he didn't mean to take it
out on me. My heart melted and i offered to let him move in with me on a
temporary basis, until he got himself sorted.
Things went
well for 3 months, the jealousy was still there but not as bad as before.
Things were OK until i started to feel ill, really ill. I went to the doctor
and found out i was pregnant. That was the day my life changed forever. I had
just turned 21, I wasn't equipped to deal with a baby... I was terrified. The
thing that terrified me more was having to tell my parents. I went home and told
E. He was delighted. I explained my fears of telling my parents, and he said
that we would tell the together. I knew how this was going to go before I even
got there. My father went crazy, he told me that i had to have this child
aborted, that it was a sin for me to even think about going through with this
pregnancy. I found that rich coming from a man who had never been to church in
his life. I'm going to be honest, I did think about it. I don't have anything
against abortion, I’m pro choice, a women s body is her own business. I decided
against it, I knew I would never forgive myself for doing it, and it wasn't the
child's fault. My father then told me to get out of his house, that i was never
to come back, I would never see any of my family again, that I would be cut out
of his will and that he would leave a stipulation in his will that should he
die, i was not to attend his funeral. All my mother had to say was ‘I’ll pray
for you’ my family are in no way religious by the way.
That's when
the violence with ‘E’ started, he knew i had nowhere to go and that i would
have to take whatever he threw at me. I was devastated over my parents. I felt
very much alone in the world, I really felt he was all I had and the little one
in my tummy of course. They were my family now, they were all I had. It started
over the little thing, for example we were watching hostel one night and when it came to the scene where the girl
threw herself in front of a train because she caught a glimpse of her reflection. I laughed and said ‘ She
could have got that fixed’ I got a plate broken
across the back of my head. The cat was thrown against the wall and I received a punch in the face. Then i was locked in a tiny bathroom for about 3
hours.
Seem a bit extreme? It gets
worse. I went to my friends 21st one night and had to tell him I was
going to dinner with a girlfriend. He went to the pub and someone told him
where I was. He rang my phone and told me he knew where I was. When I got home
that night I thought there was no one there, when I walked in to turn on the light he jumped out and
wrapped a scarf lead around my neck and tried to strangle me. He told me if i
ever lied to him like that again he would kill me. I had had enough, I was
nearly 9 months pregnant and i hadn't lost everything and everyone so that i could lose this child
because of his violence i had to be strong for it. I went to give him a hug,
and kicked him full force into his privates, pushed him into the bathroom,
locked the latch and rang the police. They took an hour to come, this was at 3
in the morning. They came and took him away, and brought me to my maternity
hospital to get checked out.
He showed
up the next day to collect his things,
all he asked was if he could be there for the birth, I told him when they were
inducing me and said he could take the morning part and my friend Charlene was
going to take over at 2 o’clock. The morning of the induction came on the 21st
of December 2007. He arrived at the hospital to meet me and i was taken up to
the ward to get the ball rolling.By 11am i was in agony, the midwife suggested
I take a bath first but she said my doctor needed to do an internal exam first.
He followed me into the bathroom and locked the door, he helped me into the
bath and then tried to drown me because i had let a male doctor do my internal.
The only thing that stopped him was the midwife coming in to check on me. After
she left he said id i tried to leave him with his child he would kill it, and
then me.
This had to
stop, how much was i going to take? How far did it have to go?! Char came in to
take over at 2 and she saw the new bruises, she didn't lecture me but i knew
what she was thinking. My daughter Addison was born into this world at 9.09pm
on December 21st. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen
in my life, I knew I had to be strong for her. I had to stay in hospital over
Christmas as I had a C section Stephens day was the 26th and that
was the day I was allowed home. To my utter shock my father showed up with my
brother, he told to get my stuff together and he was taking me home to my
family house to visit. I told him i had to go back to the apartment to collect
my things and he said he had everything we need at home.
When I got
home he told me one of my friends had contacted him to say what was happening
and that my life, and the life of my daughter was in danger. The following day
he brought me to his solicitor to file for a restraining order. A week later it
was granted, I changed my phone number and cut any ties that might link me to
him. He never showed at court to defend himself... but really how could he
justify what he had done? The only time I went back to that apartment was to
collect my things, under Garda escort. When i left that apartment I never
looked back.
Its been 4
years, and here I am. I am stronger. I am happy. My daughter is safe and happy,
and I have a man that loves me and treats me right. He adores Addison.
The reason
I wanted to tell my story is because if it reaches even one person and gives
them the courage to say enough is enough, then it’s all been worth it. Violence
in any shape or form in NOT OK. I don't care how they try to justify it, and
believe me they will try. And let me tell you something else, once they hit you
once, they will do it again. If you think you are not strong enough, that you
love this person and they don't mean what they do, you are wrong. These
situations are never accidents, the more you try to look the other way the more
it will happen. You might think who am I
to say this after sticking with it for so long? When you remove yourself from
the situation and get over the ‘seperation anxiety’ you will see where i am
coming from. Surround yourself with
positive people, friends, family, councillors. Never ever be afraid to speak
up. You wont know how strong you actually are until you walk away. And ladies,
once you walk away, never look back.
If you are
wondering how I plan on coping when the restraining order is up next year, I’ll
tell you. I'm not who I was back then, that time of my life is over and I am so
much stronger because of it. If he comes looking for us, it’s him that needs to
be afraid of me, I'm not afraid of him anymore.
I’ll leave
it there, and if you need anyone one to talk to or have any questions or
comments please leave them below or feel free to contact me.
Lots of
Love and stay strong,
Aundrea x
Do you need help?
Ireland Women's Aid
UK Women's Aid
This is so inspiring, I am so sorry that this happened to you but so happy that you made it through the other end. x Alice
ReplyDeleteThats terrible. Really glad you and your daughter are doing well now, things can only get better :)
ReplyDeleteEmily x
http://emilyx0.blogspot.com/
This must have been hard to share, it really is inspiring how you came through it all for the sake of your daughter and yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you girls. It was really hard, but you get through and are stronger because of it :) x
ReplyDeleteWow what horrendous experiences for you to have to go through. I'm so glad you survived and that you are happy and stronger now, and what a fabulous role model you are for your daughter to look up. Thank you for sharing your story, it really touched me.
ReplyDeleteAngie
xx
Jesus Honey you are some woman, what an awful story. I am devastated you had to go through that. You are an inspiration and the very definition of a strong woman. Your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you and it looks like she was your blessing too. xx
ReplyDeleteAundrea this most have being very hard to write I admire your strength and I am so sorry that this happened to you. I went through a similar situation but not by the hands of my boyfriend but my parents. I am glad your life turned out for the better and that your little angel is safe and you. xxx
ReplyDeleteWow Aundrea it must have taken so much strength and courage to write this! I am so unbelievably shocked that this has happened to you but i admire you so much for dealing with it and becoming a stronger person. I'm a really sorry that it happened to you but so happy that you got away from it and now have a life, love and family you deserve!
ReplyDeleteWhat a brave brave post to write. Fair play to you for having the strength to leave him and the blessing to have friends and family around you to help you. Addison is very lucky to have a mam like you. Thanks for sharing xx
ReplyDelete